Why We Don't
by alphayamergo
Summary: You see, this is why we don't put crack pairings in the books.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors.**

**A/n: Inspired by… well, nothing. I'm writing this because I feel like it.**

**I'm currently feeling like a hypocrite because I ship crack pairings nonstop (BluexTiger, HollyxAsh, JayxIvy…), but what the hey.**

It was a completely normal day. But if you've read the author's other humor/character-bashing fics, then you know the drill. The only bizarre thing about it was that Ferncloud wasn't not giving birth, Daisy didn't whine, Leafpool was not cutting herself because she can't see Crowfeather…

And no, that paragraph was not shameless self-advertising, the author would like to put in. But anyway, on to the story…

Well, you see, it all started when Squirrelflight came back to camp with some large wooden things that smelt of Twolegs and some strange mixture, which were in these glass things that you could open.

"Hm, I wonder what that is," muttered Dustpelt, who got turned into an elder against his will about a moon ago, and proceeded to knock it over and make the liquid spill out.

"Ooh, can we drink it?" exclaimed a random kit that the author doesn't want to name because, quite frankly, she doesn't know where this fits in the timeline. But anyway.

Brambleclaw shrugged. "I don't see why not." The tom had been quiet lately because he'd had a huge hit to his ego. He began to lap at the liquid, and everybody joined in. It seemed like everything was going well, and the Clan - .

Oh crap.

Hollyleaf burst into the camp. "What are you doing?" she gasped. "This is against the warrior code! THE WARRIOR CODE!" she yowled.

Brambleclaw looked up. He looked rather crazy, though most readers should have realized now that he's drunk. Because the mixture's beer. Clearly – er, sorry, that wasn't meant to be a pun…

Anyway, the ThunderClan deputy meowed, "Oh, shut up about the warrior code! Just come drink it." Quite unwillingly, Hollyleaf padded over and started to lick up the mixture. She was probably the worst at staying sober in the entire Clan, because after one lick… Oh, boy.

She looked up and mewed, "Hey, peeps, I'm going to make out with Breezepelt. Kthnxbai." She hared out camp, but nobody noticed (or rather, nobody cared) because they were all to busy being, you know, drunk. Except Leafpool, who wasn't drunk yet and looked like she was going to be sick. But hey, everybody who's read past Sunrise knows why, but I'll shut up now.

Leafpool _was _the only sober cat. She looked around and was promptly sick. If Hollyleaf making out with Breezepelt wasn't bad enough, Sandstorm was currently being friendly with Graystripe, Squirrelflight was making gooey eyes with Hawkfrost (he was visiting Ivypaw, but please don't ask why Hollyleaf was alive and in ThunderClan camp while Ivypaw was alive… The magic of fanfictions…), Daisy and Spiderleg were making out – but wait, that was canon, sorry.

Leafpool turned around and saw Spottedleaf glaring at her. "You should have stopped them!" snapped Spottedleaf. "You knew it was bad, surely!" Leafpool opened her mouth to defend herself, but suddenly the tortoiseshell she-cat yowled, "Hey, paws off, Bluestar! Tigerstar's _mine!_"

"…I thought StarClan cats couldn't get drunk," mused Leafpool, and turned around again. A drunken Hawkfrost had left behind Squirrelflight (who was now being friendly Crowfeather, much to Leafpool's dismay) and immediately started hitting on her.

"Hey, babe," he drawled. "Did it hurt when you fell?" Leafpool was about to answer when Hollyleaf ran in, sobbing.

"He left me! He left me for Ashfoot!" she yowled. Leafpool blinked. _Isn't Ashfoot Breezepelt's grandmother? _"Onestar, how could you do this to me?"

…Cue large wtf moment.

Suddenly Hollyleaf was distracted by a certain grey tom who was debatably insane before he got drunk. "Hey, you're hot," she mewed. "Want to do an angst-y insane relationship?"

"Sure!" mewed Ashfur and they both proceeded to skip off into the sunset, with Sol running behind and yowling, "I thought you loved _meeeee!_"

…It's still uncertain whether he was talking to Ashfur or Hollyleaf. Hopefully it was Hollyleaf, because the author is fairly sure that most people prefer HollyxSol to AshxSol.

"I wonder how long until the effects wear off…" mused Leafpool. She glanced around, feeling sick. What was Brambleclaw doing with her father…? "Ew, Brambleclaw!" yelped Leafpool. "Firestar is off limits!"

"Hahahaha, yeah right!" cackled Brambleclaw, who was not so subtly quoting Magic Fountain lyrics.

Leafpool sighed, trying to see if there was anybody sane in the camp. Let's see… There was Squirrelflight, who was awfully close to Dovepaw and Shrewpaw (_Wait, when did he get here?_), Jayfeather was being awfully nice to Ivypaw, though he was carrying a stick everywhere, Lionblaze was making out with, er... well, somehow Lionblaze was making out with himself, Spiderleg was still with Daisy, Ferncloud was with Thornclaw while her official mate was with Sandstorm, Brightheart was hanging out with One-eye, and Cloudtail was making out with a random kitty-pet, that readers will know as Hattie. Remember, the one that took Firestar's place? Princess, Leafpool's aunt, was with Smudge…

So basically, no living sane cats, plus some dead tipsy cats.

Okay, so the StarClan cats… Shrewpaw was with Squirrelflight, still, and Bluestar and Spottedleaf were fighting over Tigerstar. Hawkfrost was still trying to hit on Leafpool, despite her ignoring him. Cinderpelt was being friendly with… _Cinderheart?_

"Say it with me, everybody," mewed Leafpool. "What. The. Dark Forest?"

At that point, StarClan got bored with them and hit a switch that looked suspiciously like a light switch. Night fell, medicine cats (read: Goosefeather) ran around shouting that it was a sign and that they needed to stop drinking or it will be the END OF THE WORLD! Dun dun dun!

The next day, everybody woke up with a hangover (except Leafpool, who just woke up with a plain old head-ache), Ashfur was found floating in a stream, and the Clan cats could only guess that Hollyleaf had ended up buried in a tunnel.

So you see – if you've been trying to figure out the moral of this story, anyway - this is why the Erins didn't put crack pairings into the series.

…Or maybe they just didn't think of them.

**A/n: I would like to point out I ship half the pairings in there, and now ship most of the others that got thrown in.**


End file.
